A Day In the Life of PictoChat
by Solitary Shadow
Summary: There's more than just a random sequence of drawings behind one of the most ingenious stages in Brawl. Written late at night, not meant to be taken seriously.


**Disclaimer:** Nintendo owns everything. Except for Snake and Sonic, who belong to Konami and SEGA respectively.

**Author's Note:** Good God, why am I not writing the WtCB chapter? That was due in like yesterday. x.x

Every now and then, there's an author coming up with the most weirdest things, right? I'm probably one of them. This was spawned from a particular brawl I had with three of my friends on PictoChat (I was Kirby). I performed the Earthquake Glitch halfway during the match, and during that time the doodle on the canvas changed to the rollercoaster of doom. My friends were all highly damaged, so they were thrown from the site of the glitch straight into the path of the rollercoaster cart.

Oops.

I actually believe that PictoChat is a sentinel arena. Why would it appear so deliciously random and oddly appropriate at the same time? Anyhows, that's why PictoChat is my favourite stage. I like it more than my CD factory. So here's a little dedication for my favourite stage, written at twelve at night. It contains some innuendo and unintentional hilarity (look carefully). But it's clean.

I should drink more coffee.

* * *

"Good morning, Smashers... It's the beginning of another week, the fifth since you entered the tournament..."

The lights came on, lighting the arena with a vivid fluorescent glow. The futuristic stage, PictoChat, came into view, its 'canvas' completely blank (as nobody had brawled there yet that day), and the 'Now Entering' platform registering no names. Crazy Hand stepped back and gazed happily at the arena, twiddling his thumb and index in a pleased manner.

"My brother talks too much." He said to nothing in particular, addressing the silent stage. "Wouldn't you agree? You've got a lot of brawls to attend to today, my boy. Don't let me down. Wouldn't want to see you breaking down on us. I know those Smashers are a handful-" He giggled. "But hey, they don't have much power in a stage where surroundings change every thirty seconds. I'm counting on you. Oh - and my brother sent his love, by the way." Crazy Hand cackled once more for good measure, patted the platform, and crept out.

PictoChat gave no sign nor even a beep to indicate that it had understood Crazy Hand. It simply stayed still, waiting for the first set of Smashers to enter, already configuring the sets of doodles that it would display this time around. Would it utilize colours this time? No, plain black was best. It was quicker. So what doodles would be best? That was definitely something it had to organize properly. Would the doodles be random? Or would they be in a certain pattern? Would PictoChat have to configure each set after each brawl?

"For the first brawl of the day... the match will be between Luigi... Solid Snake... Captain Falcon... and Pikmin and Olimar. Your brawl location is PictoChat. Please make any necessary preparations now."

Ah, the 'curious quartet'! Whoever knew that PictoChat would have the honour of having those four in the same brawl, fighting against each other? Each of those Smashers had a distinctive style of fighting that delighted the audience; and all four of them, together? Oh, this was going to be good. Very good. It wasn't a Team Brawl, so PictoChat assumed different positions and rankings for each Smasher according to the scores list that week. Snake was the highest up in the list; the software honoured that by changing the platform display to 'Now Entering: Snake'.

And it also had to customize its platform so that Captain Olimar could pull Pikmin out of them. Fun times.

* * *

Ten minutes later, PictoChat was having a very different time to what it had expected. For some reason, the four Smashers turned out to be _friends_ instead of serving as proper opponents against each others. This meant that they wouldn't pay much attention to the brawl itself, and treat it like a kind of gathering. It was already one minute into the brawl, and none of the spectacular moves that made them so infamous had been displayed yet.

This was bad.

PictoChat was trying its best to add a little fun to the rather-dull looking brawl. It had tried a variety of doodles - bullet bills, for instance, and a ferris wheel - but the Smashers simply relocated elsewhere whenever their surroundings changed, and kept on talking and chatting to each other. They did occasionally attack each other, but it was more like playfighting than anything else; Snake would occasionally push someone back to the edge, punch them a little and sometimes even thrust his knee forward to cause some damage. Luigi would occasionally spam his fireballs to get someone's attention. Captain Falcon did pretty much the same thing as Snake, and Olimar only threw the weakest Pikmin forward whenever he felt that there was too little action.

Not good at all.

The only bit of consolation that PictoChat could get out of this was that the Smashers remained divided into two pairs. Snake and Luigi never attacked each other, and the same went for Captain Falcon and Olimar. While a doodle full of a grove of trees split them apart temporarily, the two pairs remained at either sides of the stage, chatting enthusiastically.

"I'm glad that this isn't a long brawl." Luigi said, gazing at his friend. "Wouldn't want to carry on for half an hour first thing in the morning."

"We've got to get some KO's, though." Snake pointed out, although he did seem highly inclined to agree with Luigi's statement.

"You have any other brawls today?" The doodle was wiped clean, leaving them with a blank canvas once more.

"Only Smashville and Delfino Plaza. After that, I'm free for the entire afternoon and evening." The mercenary replied. "And you?"

"Shadow Moses Island twice, once after this and once after lunch. I'm free for the evening as well."

"Want to dine with me tonight?" Snake grinned, patting Luigi's shoulder. "I'll cook up something. Doesn't need to involve Yoshi, if that's what you want..."

Ugh.

_Ugh._

What kind of place did they think they were in? Some kind of soppy chatting software? Well, PictoChat was no _ordinary _chatting software. And it absolutely refused to tolerate such behaviour, especially if the Smashers concerned were meant to be brawling. Well, it wasn't going to have it any longer. Quickly, the stage set about creating a face with an irritated expression on the right-hand side of the canvas, depicting said face as blowing directly to the left. The Smashers looked up curiously as the doodle on the canvas changed over - but much to PictoChat's satisfaction, they soon began yelping helplessly as they were blown to the left by a strong current. Luigi had fallen directly off the edge, only managing to cling on at the last minute by his fingertips, panic evident in his eyes.

How PictoChat loved such expressions!

"Gusty Gus!" Captain Falcon cried out, attempting to crouch down to gain some foothold; alas, the entire stage happened to be very flat, and very smooth. No matter what happened, they were going to be blown off the edge. Luigi, who had scrambled back onto the stage, was desperately trying to stay on the stage by using the Green Missile. None of the Smashers there were relying on each other, each too busy trying to survive.

Where was the love _now_? What utter foolishness! Had PictoChat possessed a mouth, it would have laughed.

It was a shame that each doodle only stayed on-canvas for twenty seconds or so; soon enough, 'Gusty Gus' was erased, leaving the stage completely blank. None of the Smashers had been KO'ed - that was still fine, there were still three minutes left, so why worry? That was more than enough for a couple of KO's. Deciding to be merciful (and loving itself for such a _kind_ decision), PictoChat doodled two springs by either sides of the black platform so the Smashers could bounce up and down to their hearts' content. As much as it loved watching Smashers panicking by the edge of the platform, it also loved to see them bouncing around the top of the stage. Also, it allowed for a mostly-aerial approach to the brawl for twenty seconds, which was a delight to watch in the case of a spectator. So really, it was a win-win situation. Couldn't go wrong with that one. It stayed remarkably docile for all of three minutes, only occasionally giving out doodles (that were either of bricks stacked up together, a nice boat, or even the occasional person talking) and dropping items whenever needed.

But much to its displeasure, none of the four Smashers had been KO'ed even after three minutes. Master Hand announced a Sudden Death - great, just what it needed, a tiresome Sudden Death match first thing in the morning! Why couldn't those Smashers be a bit more violent towards another? They were here to _fight_, weren't they? So why, oh why did they need to possess those queersome little things called 'feelings' towards others?

And yet PictoChat had no say in the matter. Every Smasher was given 300 percent damage and left to fight amongst themselves. To the software's delight, Captain Falcon was the first to get KO'ed, as he tried to pin Luigi down with a Falcon Kick; yet Luigi was faster, and had sidestepped nimbly, grabbing the racer and throwing him sideways for an easy KO. Snake had also taken the opportunity to blast Olimar out of the stage while the latter was hesitating. Three Pikmin spirits, wailing miserably, floated up the air as he crashed off-screen; and PictoChat was happy.

Those spirits were so _cute_.

But now Snake and Luigi were left alone, facing each other. And neither of them could actually bring themselves to deliver that one hit that would end the brawl, so they just looked at each other, their expressions agonized.

"Look, Luigi, I can't do this," Snake finally opened his mouth. "just get it over and done with. It doesn't matter much. Go on, you deserve to win-"

"No, I'm fine, you should win this brawl!" Luigi replied hastily. "I - well, it's not an important brawl, I mean, it's not going to make much difference... Does the dinner arrangement still stand?"

"Definitely!"

Oh God.

Would they just _hurry up_ already?

Feeling vaguely nauseous, PictoChat decided on the ultimate final solution: dropping Bob-ombs on the stage that exploded upon impact. As the two were gazing into each other's eyes, completely mesmerized, two Bob-ombs fell upon their heads, blasting them out of the arena; PictoChat glowed with inner satisfaction as a very satisfying scream sounded from either sides of the stage. Snake had been thrown off just a second before Luigi did the same; therefore, this brawl was won by the younger Mario brother. As the Smashers picked themselves off the ground and stood up to weakly applaud the green-clad plumber (whose clothes were singed and face blackened with soot), the software couldn't help but feel a glorious mixture of both pride and a sense of schadenfreude.

* * *

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, but then, for a software that liked a bit of fun, PictoChat hadn't done bad. There had been a moment when Marth was hit by a rollercoaster doodle three times in a row, one in which Captain Falcon got snapped by a Piranha Plant (it just wasn't his day today, was it?) and one where Pikachu was saved by a bonsai doodle just moments before his 'supposed' demise.

How time had flown by! Before the stage quite knew it, it was hosting its last brawl for the day. This was a relatively simple brawl, with Kirby and Meta Knight against each other. Each had one stock only. PictoChat had a preference for the little pink puffball, and usually drew the pictures that gave him the most advantage. It was wrong to be biased like that, but then one couldn't quite blame PictoChat; the stage possessed a rather childlike, simple, innocent mind that none of the people in this tournament was going to challenge.

As Meta Knight was a strong adversary, PictoChat started off with a doodle of two fires burning and crackling above the screen. Kirby quickly used an upwards kick to get Meta Knight up there - the masked knight was then being thrown around helplessly, landing on one flame, thrown off and landing on the other. It was surely a joyful sight to see - PictoChat seldom saw anyone use their techniques to get out of the fire, even though it really should have been quite easy. This went on for a full twenty seconds, before the doodle was erased and the blank canvas took its place. Out of sympathy for the knight, PictoChat gently dropped an Assist Trophy right in front of him.

It turned out to be the Infantry and Tanks.

Kirby could have dodged that quite easily, but even he couldn't stop himself landing on some of the armed soldiers, taking an amount of damage in the process. He and Meta Knight were now even in terms of damage taken. All was good there.

Time passed for a while, PictoChat occasionally providing some Maxim Tomatoes and various items, and doodling on the canvas. Had it possessed some kind of way to express itself, PictoChat would have thrown a tantrum when Meta Knight ruined his farmyard scene - he apparently found the cow in the background too distracting, and with a few nimble stabs with his trusty Galaxia, threw the cow off-screen.

How unfair was that? What had that cow ever done to him? It had been simply _there_, in its little two-dimensional world, happily wandering around and munching grass. Meta Knight shouldn't have done that! Silently seething, PictoChat then unleashed one of the cruelest traps available - the vertical spears.

Kirby knew much about this trick, and therefore stayed absolutely still in his area, refusing to jump even a little for an aerial match. Instead, he settled for taunting - after a couple of 'Hiiii!'s, the masked knight couldn't take it anymore.

"Come! Fight me!" He shouted, fluttering his cloak-wings (PictoChat could never figure out what it was) in a menacing gesture. Kirby ignored him. Now irritated, Meta Knight began to glide in Kirby's direction - only to suddenly lose height and land directly on top of a spear. He let out an anguished cry of pain as he shot straight up; unfortunately for him, the spears put him in a helpless state, so when he came down, he was speared again. PictoChat and Kirby both watched this sight with curiosity (and in the former's case, delight).

It was all too bad that the doodle had to be erased after a few seconds. Meta Knight, now at 163 percent damage and extremely peeved, dashed towards Kirby; Galaxia was already poised in his hand, ready for a critical stab. Now Kirby admittedly knew very little of the world and how it worked. He couldn't think as logically as some could, because he was, after all, a baby. But even he could sense that Meta Knight was about to skewer him - he ran for it, only to find that he was standing at the right edge of the arena. The little pink spirit briefly lost balance, and hovered dangerously over the edge; but there was nowhere to run, Meta Knight was going to come for him-

In desperation, Kirby did the only thing that he could think off, and performed his 'Stone' technique, transforming into a pink, cute garbage block and crashing down on the edge. He did not fall, but something else happened that neither Kirby, Meta Knight or PictoChat had expected.

The inital crash and the shockwave after the 'stone' hit the ground failed to vanish. Instead, wild aftershocks, not unlike that of an earthquake, began to form and grow in size around Kirby. The blue knight was roughly thrown backwards at the impact, and with horror found that his damage percentage had rocketed to a massive 259 percent; how that had happened, he hardly knew, but then it was the last thing he knew before Kirby came up to him, grabbed his cloak and threw him off the stage.

_Ouch_.

* * *

"Alrighty, how's my boy been doing, then?" Crazy Hand coaxed as he pushed around a little mop with his thumb and index finger, cleaning the platform free of squashed tomato stains, Heart Container fragments and a substance that looked suspiciously like blood (it was actually just jam from the slice of pie PictoChat had dropped earlier). "Smashers not giving you any trouble?"

PictoChat doodled a quick thumbs-up sign.

"There you go. Not too bad, was it? You get the day off tomorrow. Well done. Master Hand bids you goodnight, my baby, and I do as well." Crazy Hand gathered up the mop and scuttled across the platform, twitching his index finger in a rough imitation of a salute before turning the lights off and leaving the stage.

It had been a very satisfying day for PictoChat. Happily, the software turned itself offline and let itself rest; tonight would be a wonderful night, with lots of kaleidoscopic dreams composed of its doodles and the reactions of the Smashers who had encountered them. As it was getting the day off tomorrow, it planned to rest until mid-day, dreaming of bonsai trees, springs, fire and bullet bills.

And cows.

How PictoChat _loved_ that particular cow.


End file.
